Faith..."Reality"

Some people argue whether faith is really enough. A lot of the time it is said that Faith can't pay the rent...but who says it can't. When circumstances work out in a way that allows rent to be paid in spite of funds lacking isn't it faith that has brought that into being? We are told that we need to pray for our measure of faith, and yet we need faith to believe in Christ...or do we?

As humans we have the ability to sense truth and lies. People ask me how i know what i know and i used to not know an answer that didn't fall under the "church-inese" category until a friend told me its a heart truth. Because of the knowledge i have from scripture and the living out of those words, seeing the proof of God's promises in my life whether in good times or bad, I KNOW! Is that faith...well, what is faith? people say to take a leap of faith...isn't that just a fancy word for trust?

So God calls us to pray for the measure of faith we desire, and with faith as small as a mustard seed we can move mountains...if that's the case, how come so many mountains are staying still? how come the blind can't see, the deaf can't hear, people are bullied, judged, scrutinized and made to feel unworthy of the gift of grace. How do we pray for this measure of faith when so much of the world tells us we "can't". Doubt enters our minds the minute we entertain the thought of doing something in faith...instantly we aren't good enough, smart enough, or have a story that will be impactful enough. Wow, Satan really does have influence on our lives in the dumbest ways.

I don't care if your story is anti-climactic...IT'S YOUR STORY and I can't wait to hear it!! I look forward to meeting all of you and hearing where you have come from, what God has brought you through, and how He is challenging you personally because of it. The reason for this rant is because my pastor at church was calling people to tell their stories at church. I went up because i felt that beating heart, palm sweating prodding. The minute i finished letting him know what i had been through these last 7 months and went to sit down I immediately felt like what i had to offer was insignificant. If you have followed along in the rants of this period of my life, you know that i've been wounded personally on many levels. But does that mean that I can't have a voice? So what if where i struggle is in the category of relationships...SOMEONE OUT THERE IS FEELING THE SAME AS ME!!! We don't walk this earth alone. We were created for community and we were created to be REAL with one another. My God has brought me home to him once more and I should be ready to shout that from the rooftops! So why do i want to email my pastor and tell him i've changed my mind?!

I'm not an eloquant speaker...and a lot of what i've gone through is incredibly personal to the point that i don't think anyone would really understand the level of pain i've gone through. Also there are things i know i can't share because of the personal nature of it.

He who dwells inthe shelter of the Most High will rest in hte shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust".

This is what i choose to believe now. No matter what is brought before me, I know that i can rest in peace knowing He is with me every step of the way! That's all I need to know...He'll work out the rest.

For anyone who reads this...SPEAK!!! Tell your story and have a level of TRUST/FAITH that it will impact someone somewhere. You may not be outspoken or comfortable in those times, but God does not call us to a comfortable life...if you are comfortable, you are not being challenged to grow in relationship with Him. It sounds weird, but I wish you discomfort and experiences that bring you to the thrown of Christ in humility knowing HE is the only one who can give you the strength to overcome your discomfort.

Blessings on you!

A New Beginning - Journey to Discovery

I have definately been avoiding any reference to recording how my well-being has been of late. I am finally able to say i'm happy again!! And I mean goodness to the heart happy!

These past few months were rocky and there are still struggles with doubt for future plans, but i'm learning to accept things for where they are at and as much as I miss the relationship i was able to share for two years...its the relationship itself and not the person that i miss most. I know my journey to discovering who i really am is only still in its beginning stages but already i have learned more about myself than i even knew. A lot of friends who read this will be cheering me saying i'm FINALLY seeing it. It won't be an easy journey, but i have found my true friends through all of this. I'm learning to be ok with being me and as more things come to light, i am finding myself accepting of them. I still judge myself unfairly but that too will diminish with time i hope.

One of the biggest struggles i am working through right now is being ok with "Failing" the dream i had when i was young of being married, and having my own family by now. Obviously that is not right at this time in my life. i'm learning to be ok with that. The hardest part is not only breaking free of the dream mold, but being ok to break free of the mold of expectations I've laid on myself. A lot of these expectations come from how i was brought up...

...I struggle with bringing home a friend I am developing a close friendship with (and i will most likely remain a friendship...a close one) He is fast becoming a "best" friend if there is such a thing. And yet, because there is something more there on my end (but i know the time isn't right to pursue it) I find my brain going to that place of wonder and curiosity. In a way my family acts as a sledge hammer to prevent anything like that happening because they have their own ideas of who i should be together with...and this friend, as close as he is and as amazing as he treats me, doesn't fit those expectations.

There is a lot of frustration towards my family. I am put in a place where I know the exact name of the person they want to see me marrying, but that man happens to have a gf right now and also, they're pushing it makes me want to walk the other way. If it had been my own interest, MAYBE it could/would work, but because i know its what they want...it turns me off. I'm starting to realize that it really is my choice in who i marry. And Marriage is a LONG WAy OFF for me right now. i'm content to enjoy having a close friend i can share life with. Maybe that's what i'll be like for the rest of my life, maybe that's what i'll be like for this chapter, i don't know. But i pray that God continues to help me guard my heart. I don't want to fall into the trap of a meaningless relationship or fall in love with someone i can't have.

It feels good knowing me at a different level than i've ever known before. And when i see Doug my heart still falls in my chest and I could cry...but i don't. i move away, move on and try to fill my mind with other things. The things i feel for Doug are along the lines of sadness and unfairness in how he seems to be happy...SEEMS. I know he's miserable...and i know i've let him go. God, LET ME FORGET HIM NOW!! not forget the relationship because it helped me grow in a lot of ways...but let me forget what he did to hurt me. Let me forget the lies i've been told.

Dear Lonely Heart

My dearest love, you break my heart! So many times i see you crying on the inside while others see you smile. What is the shame in showing me?! I know every ounce of pain you are going through and still you won't talk to me. I sit beside you every night as you fall asleep, i ride in the car beside you as you sing along to your music, all the while waiting for you to say something. You talk to me, sure...but there is never anything said. I am grateful you recognize the gifts i send you in sleep, beauty of the sun, and the strength i provide each morning to go on, but what i truly want from you is to konw you!! To not just know, but to KNOW you...to konw that i'm wanted in your life and that you aren't content just to leave me tag along in your life.

Honey, there is way too much pride in your life. You expect what you cannot get from humanity and yet you avoid seeking it out in me! You long for rest and yet bypass the peace i offer. Come to me, my love...leave your burdens in my hands and rest. Speak to me of your deepest desires without fear of condemnation. Unload your hearts pain without the fear of what i may say...What i say i say in love and only to mold you into the woman i've created you to be. Do not take your independence for granted, nor cheat yourself of your true strength. Do not put your thoughts in the hands of mere humans...what good are they? Learn to be open with me and you will have security, peace, direction, and clarity like you have never dreamed of.
Yes, you are at fault in many areas of life, but none of them are irrepairable. Seek after me, dearheart and you will be taught the lessons needed to move on in a healthy life. Your battle is with yourself...but you are not alone in it.

You are hurt and i can feel the anger inside of you pulsing like your heartbeat. Release this! Don't torment yourself like this! Forgive and accept forgiveness. Amend your heart and embrace the life giving tourniquet. I will never leave you or forsake you, don't treat me as if i have! Even when you turn away, I am standing here waiting for you to return!

AHHHH!!!

Oh my gosh!! I can't believe that time is going by so fast. I only have a week left before i'm moving into my own place!! EEEEK!!! this is so exciting and so scary. God is so amazing! He has been giving me so much peace over everything and i mean EVERYTHING! Most who know me understand that i work too much, well, i'm out-doing myself right now. After March 1st things should settle down somewhat, but jeepers is it stressful right now.

This is a typical day in the life of me:

7:30am - wake up, roll out of bed, shower, yadda yadda yadda

8am - go over to neighbours and let out/feed the dogs

8:30am - at work starting my day and keeping frantically busy with RSP season 

2:30pm - leave the office and drive home for a quick bite to eat before teaching

3:00pm - start teaching piano

8:30pm - finish teaching with no breaks (maybe 5 min here and there)

8:35pm - eat a quick dinner

8:45pm - begin data entry for the Festival

11pm - go to bed because my eyes wont stay open anymore

7:30am - start all over again!!!  LOL!!

Well, if i were to look at that schedule and it was someone else i would definately say that they need to take time for themselves. But i preach better than i listen! God is getting me through each day, giving me the strength and courage to face each challenge and learn something new. 

A quick update for you all: Doug and I are back together and more in love than ever. He met with my dad yesterday and even tho Dad isn't thrilled about our relationship he said that Doug and I should do whatever we're going to do. It seems like such a simple statment and yet i feel so free! We aren't engaged, we aren't talking marriage...right now we both realize that we need to be working on our personal lives before entering into a marriage relationship. We want to make sure our "broken legs" heal so we aren't stumbling around for the rest of our lives. Its humbling, but refreshing at the same time.

The month of March we won't be seeing or talking to each other much and i'm actually fully ok with that. We both need time to allow God to direct us and escape from what we just went through. Maybe these past two months have been a wakeup call for both of us in what we need to be working on in our own lives. 

One thing i know for certain. WHEN Doug and I get married it will be because we have chosen one another out of all this and our relationship will always be strong because we'll remember what we had to do to be together!  

Dreams Coming True

well, i've hesitated writing much cuz things are still trying to work themselves out over here. I don't know if you have heard or can tell (maybe my new pics will tell ya) but Doug and I are back together. I know it's not the thing that impresses my parents and i have a lot of trouble feeling excited about it around them, but everyone else is supporting it whole-heartedly. In fact we just celebrated our 2nd anniversary of dating!! LOL!! and he made one of my all-time dreams come true. He took me to the Vancouver Aquarium overnight on Saturday. It was AMAZING! we made sushi from scratch, played games, ate tons and tons of food, got a private "behing-the-scene's tour" and slept right outside the Baluga Whale tank! I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was. Doug also got each of us a year membership at the aquarium giving us 20% off all activities and free admission. Afterwards we went to Robson and shopped all morning until 1pm then went back to the aquarium and took in some of the shows and had fun watching the sharks get fed, etc. It was THE most amazing date i've been on. And next week he says he's taking me somewhere where i have to be all dressed up to the nine's. He's spoiling me right now!! And i'm loving it!

I haven't been happier than when i'm with him these days! I really think he's the best guy friend i've ever had. I love him so much, and the fact that things are working themselves out like this and i have peace about it all makes it so much more exciting!

I'M MOVING OUT!!!

I found a place and got the call that they're going to let me live there as of March 1st!! i'm so excited! It's the upper level of a house on Donlyn St. In fact it's right above friends of mine! It's such a blessing and answer to prayer. The landlord is great! They bought the place around 5 years ago and rennovated EVERYTHING. The upstairs and down have separate washer/dryer space and i have a full living room/dining room, kitchen, two bedrooms, one bathroom and a large covered deck with a yard! All of this for only $800/month including utilities AND satallite. WOOT WOOT!!!

I'm so excited! wow...i said that already! check out my facebook for pics!

Decision-making time!

So...I'm moving out!! i've decided it's time. I still want to buy a place, but i need my space right now. I want my own everything and i want to have the freedom of full independence that i don't feel at home! i'm so excited cuz i think i found a place and the timing works out perfectly. I want to move around the end of February, and there's a place opening up at that exact same time that i'm already familiar with, includes everything but laundry, and is actually quite cheap! I also already have a roommate which is going to cut costs even more! how awesome is that?!

I think God is definately in this because it's working out so well. I know i still have a "fight" on my hands, but it's a matter of giving that up to God and praying for him to work this out in his timing.

I had an awesome talk with my aunt today about my family and she helped me see some things i was never aware of. She is completely in support of me moving out too. I know i have a great opportunity to save at home, but i need something i can't get here...i can't explain it, i just know it! it's an itch i just have to scratch.

YAY!!! i made a decision!!

Emotional Amputation

I wish as humans we had the choice to feel. Today i'm hurting more than i ever thought humanly possible. My heart literally feels as though it has been ripped from my chest! All I want to do is end my life and stop this pain.

My best friend told me that often these times are attributed to God "doing" this to us, when in fact it could very well simply be Satan asking God "how far will you let me go with this person". It's a bit of a cliche to say that i understand a bit about how Job felt, but it's the truth. Satan pushed him and Job remained faithful. So my challenge is to stand up and say "bring it on!" I have never NEVER cried as hard as i have tonight...but then, i've never loved this hard before either.

Forgiveness and Resolve

My dad was able to set up a mtg between me and the family member i got into a fight with. I went there with the full intention of apologizing and leaving. We ended up staying longer than i thought and they even apologized for the words spoken. The fight was out of character and knowing how much pain we are both going through right now it's understandable to a point but we went way over the line.

To be able to forgive is one of God's greatest gifts to us. It offers peace and a good night's rest. Granted, now that this major issue has been handled, i'm left waking up to a different hole in my heart. That pain will take longer to heal i'm sure.

2008??? can it please be OVER already!?

My year has started with a bang and i already wish it was december 31st and a new year was beginning again. I REALLY hope this isn't a sign for what this year has to hold for me.

Family...by definition is a group of people offering their undying support and love (stacy's dictionary) For most cases this is true. There are a few cases where families fall apart and the ever-present questions, "WHY" comes into play.

My family is the latter. While many of them have supported me and have truly shown care and respect, others have found it their responsibility to be offended when i choose not to discuss my situation. (mainly because i have not come to the conclusion as to what my conclusion IS!) so, in all fairness, why would i want to talk about how i'm doing? i answer "ok" and say i don't want to talk about it.

Well, this answer doesn't work so well with someone in my family and because i walk away and choose to continually tell said person to "Shut-up" and "I don't want to talk about it" and "I don't want to hear it"...I am called certain names that call down my character.

This leaves me wondering what the motivation behind said person really, TRULY, is. Do they care about how i'm doing? or are they interested in knowing all details and when shut out of the process of my life are choosing to lash out at me? Is said person struggling with something of their own and my reaction sent them over the edge? I don't know, but the result of our confrontation was a full on physical brawl in MY OFFICE!!!!! I'm embarrassed so say it, but it's true. I refuse to stand by while being called names that attack my character. I have chosen a life of celebacy and, personally, at the age of 25 should be CELEBRATING that fact...not being referred to as someone who is a little bit looser with their lifestyle. (i'll leave it to your imagination)...in the end i did throw the first SLAP! i wasn't expecting said person to come after me with that kind of vengence.

In my mind i think i could have chosen a higher road, but the truth is we all have our moments of weakness and mine disappointed myself more than anything you will ever understand. There was no excuse for my actions. To know the kind of hurt at being on the receiving end of those comments makes me certain i NEVER want to inflict that kind of pain on another person! I have hope that God will forgive me, and i will one day be able to forgive this person. There is a lot of grace that needs to be learned.

Truthfully, i feel no remorse for what i did, but i know it was NOT what i was called to do. What kind of an example was i to the employee witnessing this altercation? I guess that's something I'LL have to answer for in the long run!

"Be still and know that I am God"... easy to read, easy to feel sometimes. and yet you have to wonder why others can't read things like this. but again, that's something THEY will have to answer to.

So to all you who ever thought i was this perfect christian girl...i have failed you! for that I apologize! To the person i had this conflict with...maybe i am self-centered, maybe i am acting in the way you suggest, but those are things i'll have to answer for in the long run. Thank you for your concern, but if you truly care about me...leave me be for now! I apologize to YOU for striking you...believe me i wanted to hurt you deeper than you could imagine...for that i'm sorry! I know you want to be a part of my life and you say you care about me, but sometimes the best way to care is to leave me be! I've dealt with things on my own for so long, it's a little overwhelming to have people assuming i can just open my life up to others.

No, you don't understand what i'm going through; just as i don't understand what you're going through. but that's ok. i'm sorry i never asked you how you were doing in your pain. i see you're still in a great deal of pain, but we all have to deal with our shit in our own way. I choose to be alone and let the "safe" people in...you aren't one of them. that's just how it is. I've never thought i was close enough to touch on such a sensitive issue in your life...that's why i've never asked how you're doing. I don't want to cause you more pain by asking. maybe that makes sense, maybe you'll never read what i mean. I am sorry i lashed out...more than you know. maybe that's enough for you, most likely not, but it's the truth. (now if only i had the guts to actually email this to you!)

Don't Pity Me!!!

That's an order! I do this crap to myself. How do you not be with someone you love, who has been a standing part of your life for the past 2 years? Being with him isn't what kills me, it's knowing what's going on and yet having to live LIFE outside of "us". Any pining i do is now my own fault. Things are becoming more clear...and yet i still wonder.

To those of you who have commented, anonymously or friends, i love you! Sometimes the words of the unattached carry more weight because they can see a bit of the picture and bit more of who i am than even i do. I know you don't see the whole picture, and i'll admit, it's one-sided, but you give me hope when i'm ready to give up. God is using these small things to keep me going! Thank you for taking the time to comment. it speaks more than just your words. Hugz to you!

After meeting with Doug's "dad" (Al) I feel completely spent. Dont' get me wrong it was a fantastic meeting, but i'm worn out emotionally. My faith seems to be all i have that's a certainty anymore. I've decided to go away for a few days. Leave everything behind and just disappear. I hate being alone, but i really think God and i need some seriously undisturbed time together. I love it at River Run! I recommend it to everyone. Peaceful and beautiful. check out their website: http://www.riverruncottages.com/

No matter what happens, i need to move on in life! It's like Carrie Underwood's song says, "We've been left here, on this carnival ride. Some are born and in the same moment someone is taking their last breath." Time doesn't stop for sorrow, it speeds up in joy, and it slows in sadness, but never stops...and neither can i!

Thank you to everyone who has come beside me and supported me. I'd be lost without you!

Growing Up!

So I guess absentmindedly i've decided to grow up in the year 2008! I am taking all the steps necessary to become an independant woman. I'm making decisions that are my own and have actually been getting very positive responses on them.

Basically i have decided to buy my own place sometime this year. I met with a realtor today and he was very helpful. It's really refreshing meeting someone who's in the business to help and not to get the most money. I was greatly encouraged by what he had to say and the way he was telling me that i'm in the perfect place to buy. I'm going to read through the info he gave me and make a decision on whether he's the person i want to be working with, but for the most part i was greatly impressed with his view of things and his willingness to work with me. For now, i'm just going to take it one step at a time and figure things out as i go.

I'm sitting in my massage chair right now having my back PULVERIZED by this thing! oh, my word i didn't know i had so many extra spines! the knots are just flipping around in there, very relaxing! I think this is the first time i've sat down for me all day and i'm spending it blogging! lol... there are so many other things i could be doing right now.

I've decided to actually celebrate my bday this year. It's in a month so i have tons of time for planning, but i think i'm going to throw a LUAU! surrongs and cocunut shells are a MUST! (well, at least bathing suit tops!) i'm not sure on the details as of yet, but i'm sure they'll fall into place. I just have to make sure i don't do any crazy spending between now and then so i actually have money! So if you're reading this, keep your eyes open for an invite on facebook!

g'nite!

Shake it Off!! (random ramblings of where my mind is at)

I'm so tired of writing about the same thing... I told a friend of mine last night i wish that God would just show me my next 5-year plan with everything i'm going to experience. I know that could be a scary thing, but in reality i'd just rather know. On top of all that I'm LONGING for Christ's return to be soon so i don't have to keep figuring this stuff out.

A person told me that there are two things God calls us to do to have a healthy and long life:
1) to judge one another in our Christian walk and mention when something isn't following His word
2) to honour your mother and father

hmmmm...lets think on that one! I know that we are called to keep others from stumbling, but isn't that a temptation to become too focused on the speck in someone else's eye while ignoring the plank in your own? secondly, as I recall Jesus was asked what the two GREATEST commandments are and he responded: To love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul; and to love your neighbour as yourself.

hmmmm...something isn't jiving here!!! I'm in the middle of the biggest tug-of-war of my life and i'm being thrown scripture after scripture from all sides. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?!! here, my family is judging ruthlessly and i wonder if they would honestly appreciate someone looking into their lives with as much criticism. (where's the love in that?!) and isn't the saving people from stumbling only a command to save them from the sins leading up to death?!

i was dating a liberal and my family is conservative...maybe that alone was my biggest fault. In the past two years i have grown, i have been challenged, and i have learned to love.

but i have to ask myself, is my desire to be married stronger than my reasoning for WHO i marry?! that's a scary question to ask yourself, let me tell you. Things have changed and they will never be the same again. "I need, WIDE OPEN SPACES!!! Room to make the big mistakes, i need NEW FACES! to know the highest stakes"

i'm a freaking human yo-yo! anyone who truly knows Doug knows him to be direct and not sugar-coated; a solid christian who is constantly challenging himself in scripture and understanding. someone who is figuring out new ways to help youth understand where God is in their lives to fix the ROOTS of the problems and not focus on just the symptoms.

I lie in bed praying for clarity and i feel a sense that this is over for good, then i wake up to this battle waging war in my mind! I WANT THE ANSWERS!!!!!! anyone got them?!

God's work in all things

"And a little child shall lead them"



My life is crumbling and it takes a teenager to bring things back into perspective. In all of this i want to hate so badly, but i was convicted last night because what kind of a christian example would i be to my girls if that's what i chose to do. My love for my God and them is what is forcing me to set aside my anger and focus on learning to forgive. if only to show them that it is possible through Christ! Believe me this is not going to be an easy road...and the people who know the whole situation are wanting me to take revenge...that i have a right to take revenge, but that's not what God says.



Romans 12: 9-21 was a hard passage to read yesterday at church but i think it's one that i needed to hear. The conversation i had with that teen yestersday has led her to asking some serious questions about who God is; and they are going to start reading the book of John to find some of those answers.

I woke up lonely, alone, and sad this morning. but there is an underlying hope in knowing that there's greater work out there than that of my own choices. If this circumstance is going to show my faith to my girls and lead them closer to God, then the pain is worth it. "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain" ... i'm telling you, I LONG FOR DEATH OR CHRIST'S RETURN BECAUSE THEN THIS WILL FINALLY BE OVER!!!

Well, seeing as i have more people reading this blog than i thought i did, i feel it's necessary to update it now. There are times in your life you wish would just disappear. Events, conversations, and decisions that take place that you wish you could just erase from your memory and so blogging about it doesn't seem like a very big need...at least in those moments.

My life feels like its been a string of those moments over the past few months. Christmas was a time i thought things would turn around...instead they spun out of my control and i'm left standing in the wind watching it blow away.

Some of you noticed my facebook status changed quite a bit upon my return home. Yes, i was engaged for 11 glorious days. i was making plans, dreaming, and at the same time tip-toeing around my family. Knowing they didn't approve...feeling the tension in the air and yet trying to ignore it so i wouldn't cause a scene and ruin my parents wonderful Christmas gift to us all.

That lasted up until Christmas Day. My fairytale life ended that day. The people involved i will keep to myself, knowing that it is in my own heart that i need to forgive (but i have no desire to). I cried enough to feel like i had flooded the world (i can understand how children could believe the flood was caused by God crying over his people...i swear its possible)

People have their judgements, and people seem to think that they need to have a word in others lives or their own doesn't seem as meaningful. To these people i urge you to keep your mouths shut. if you TRULY care for someone...let them make their choices and live with their decisions. If you must speak, before you open your mouth consider the impact you have on that person's life. if they hold you in a high respect, by all means share your opinion, but then step away and let them make their choice. If they really don't care about you and the relationship you have is slim at best, keep it to yourself because that person won't really care, and will end up blaming you for any results of your comments.

I hurt now for the people who have felt the sting of words like these, from people who claim to care, but who revel in knowing it all. I'm not saying that this is the person who created the problems or even brought them to light, but the method of bringing these things up was done in the cruelest way possible and ruined what could have been a wonderful holiday.

so, i am no longer engaged, nor am i dating. the choice wasn't mine, but it was made in wisdom. I hurt everyday for the pain my family has caused him. I cry myself to sleep at night over the disrespect and disregard people had for him. and i cry because they were unwilling to see beyond their own vices.

i'm in pain now, but that pain will die away in time. i was able to keep my best friend in all of this and i hold no negative feelings towards him. we still hang out, but things will always be different. I have to learn to choose not to love...NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DO THAT!!! Learning to let yourself love through all circumstances is hard enough...how do go backwards when there are no grounds for it?! yes, there is definate pain, and i think there is even irrepairable damage done in my family. i trust no one, i care for no one, and i want no one involved in my life.

what have i done that they don't want me to be happy?