A MUST SEE!!!!

If anyone hasn't seen the new movie "Beowolf" you MUST go see it! we went tonight and it's fantastic. I think we're going to go watch it again but at the IMAX in 3D. This movie was meant to be seen in 3D!

Negativity is going on the shelf!

I think it's about time i blogged more positives! holy crap i re-read some stuff i've put on here, and i guess i only come here when i'm struggling...kinda like prayer. i need to start putting the good things in my life on "paper" so i have them documented and i'm not remembered for being a whine-o! LOL!!

I had the most wonderful weekend! I went shopping with one of my girls from C21 and found this amazing gold gown at La Chateau. adn of course it was on sale. now the little voice of reason inside my head said "you have no place to wear this, therefore there's no point in buying it" and i believed that voice for all of 24 hours because the next day, i bought it!!! lol..and it is my new favourite dress. it's the dress i wish i'd had for grad!

well, having a new dress i MADE an opportunity to wear it and invited Doug over for dinner on Saturday night. I cooked for him and set up the dinning room table with candles all over the house and had him bring wine. it was PERFECT!!! he was dressed to the 9's and we didn't even leave the house. He even brought me 14 BEAUTIFUL pink roses in a really pretty fish bowl vase.

so many precious memories are born through those kinds of evenings. it seems like we're having more and more of them the closer we get. It's hard to believe its been 21 months. it doesn't seem like it. everyday i learn something new about him and every day we are challenged in our relationship and challenging one another to grow.

I know my main topic of conversation is always Doug and i know that a lot of my friends are probably sick and tired of hearing about him, but he is the one GREAT thing in my life right now. so many other things are up in the air, but he's always there.

i'm looking forward to Can Cun SO MUCH! this is his first vacation in his entire life...i'm more excited to know what it's going to be like in his eyes. and i pray that my family will see the man i see...and if not; then he's my special secret!

mmmmm....coffee!!!!

home

finally my brain has come out of this funk and i'm feeling normal again. any guess what it took for that to happen?

doug

my mind spins into crazy thoughts and i feel like i'm stuck in the eye of a tornado with nothing but destruction no matter what my choice. i go to see doug and we don't say much, just sit together on the couch and are together and my heart stops racing, my thoughts die down because i know one absolute truth when i'm with him...

i'm home.

my mind is still reeling...and i hate it when i get like this.

so many lies portray themselves as truth
its the never-ending chase; can't be hidden, can't be outrun
i know i need to turn and face them but i'm left asking
"what's valid"?
why am i consumed by fear, doubt, and bitterness
unable to cut free
what i crave i fear the most
the shadow of failure ever looming closer
"what's the worst that could happen?"

i lose hope


Two faced, the twin is seen
where shadow flees and light comes through
it's to this i need to keep my eyes
my path is before me with only two steps revealed
i'm asked to trust; the biggest favor of all
"what if..."
these questions don't exist; there is nothing real within them
the light quickly surrounds me
"allow yourself to fail...become who you were meant to be"

hope revealed

HORSE$#!&

I'm FREAKING sick and TIRED of feeling like i'm not allowed to be happy. When i'm in my life, i'm at peace, knowing it's where God has called me to be, i'm with the people i'm supposed to be with and i'm making a difference in the world in all areas of work in my life. I don't get why i have to feel so FREAKING uneasy about it when i'm around my family. Can i really not expect them to be happy for me? does it have to be this uncomfortable when i want to tell them how awesome my relationship with Doug is?

I have affirmation in my heart that Doug is the man i want to marry, i have affirmation from wise, respected adults in our lives that we are a great couple and that we're perfect for one another and yet my family seems to think that he's not good enough.

I was watching "The Other Sister" yesterday and the scene where Carla is yelling at her mom about Danny saying she can't do much but she can love. Her mom says that Danny isn't good enough, that Carla could do better...but where are the mom's priorities? it's evident throughout the movie that status and money are the labels that she puts on success. Will Carla and Danny have a lot of money, no, but at least in the end her family supports her 100%.

I found myself crying so hard at the end when Danny and Carla were driving away, married, because their life seems so much like mine. I may not have a handicap, but i feel like people keep me in a box, label me, and expect me to live up to their ideals. WELL I HAVE MY OWN IDEALS!!! I have my own goals in life and i have my own levels of love. I ACCEPT people as they are, i don't expect them to be perfect. I don't want them to be perfect. there's no such thing, and yet "they worry because they care". Who gives a SHIT what they think. When was the last time they even asked what i do in my life? when was the last time they wanted to know how my girl's group is doing...how i'm being an influence in other peoples' lives.

"Heck, it's just Stacy. She's wanted to be a stay-at-home mom her whole life. she hasn't gone to college but she's built a career so she could do that. she's smart and successful and needs a guy who will match that. She has a spoiled way of life and needs a man who can continue that for her or she'll be miserable. Doug's going to make her work her whole life and never keep a steady paycheck. he'll run her out of her hard-earned money. eventually they'll enter the world of reality and the love will run out and they'll be stuck. in five years she's going to be asking "why didn't you warn me"!!"

Yea, maybe that's a bit extreme, but it is what i have heard from my family (not in so many words). The concerns they bring up are built on false conclusions of who Doug is. He's a bad-mouthed, drunk who can't hold a career to support me and has a negative attitude on life.

hmmm...and yet the man i see has a heart for ministry, prays constantly, is angry at the fact that humanity causes so many evils. He's a man who isn't comfortable here because he can't wait to go home. He's a man who longs for Christ's return so badly because then he can finally breathe and be free from all the shit life keeps bringing up. the man i see is tender, understanding, willing to talk anything out, wanting to work on relationship and build relationship with everyone her meets. he's a man who makes a terrible first impression but is a friend for life if you'll let him. he has a fighting spirit and is working hard to save the world one kid at a time. He wants to study criminalistics and be a corrections officer, he'll do whatever it takes to provide for his family and support the people in his life no matter the cost. he's willing to give up a good paycheck in order to be there for his family and be an influence. he's willing to take a hit in order to raise kids into Godly men and women. he tries and tries to prove himself to the people he feels have him in a box and yet constantly he seems to be shot down. He has no dreams of grandure, but embraces poverty because joy is found there. he loves unconditionally!

he's the man i want! he's the man i dreamed of. he's not perfect, he's not the ideal my family expects, but he's mine. he loves me and i love him. our life won't be a fairytale and there will be times we'll struggle and probably not want to be together, but that happens with every couple. he's not my rebellion, he's my best friend and he's first person i want to see when i wake up and the last person i want to see before i go to sleep. I crave his opinions and his ideas. I love his encouragement and his spirit. his childlike energy and his craziness match my own and there's a freedom in that to be myself without boundaries.

and yet when i want to say these things to my family there's a pit that i'm disappointing them. i'm tired of the anxiety. i actually was free from the panic attacks for four days...four glorious days. and then the thought of my family coming back scared me into anxious thoughts again and i'm trying to fight them down. i'm just glad i have my counseling appointment this afternoon. finally i have a reason to spill it all out and someone who can help me with that.

I just want to know that i can be excited when i'm engaged, and not dread telling people. we're not the perfect couple in the eyes of my family, but we're the perfect couple in my eyes and that's all that should matter!

I've blown it! I have realized in the past hour that i am THE most self-centered person i know! there is no excuse imaginable for the way i have behaved in the last...20ish so years of my life. I've always been the "Woah is me" girl and look how hard my life has been and have expected other people to "fix" me with their advice since people seem so inclined to do so! But that doesn't give me the right to completely shut others down as they are speaking to me...and speaking heart issues.

I don't know how to NOT fix people. I don't know how to encourage someone who won's accept encouragement. i don't know how to be compassionate to someone hurting when that person is my own boyfriend!

It was weird. it was almost as though i was seeing our relationship disintigrating because of me tonight. and there was nothing i could do to stop it! i am so on guard and terrified of saying anything that is going to make him upset, or offended. he sits there pouring out his concerns and is trying to work out a decision and all i did was cut him deeper than anyone could. i feel terrible and the worst part is i think he may be better off without me. all i hear when he's talking is that there are pressures surrounding him saying he's not good enough and he'll never live up to the expectations of other people. all i see is how much pressure i'm putting on him. i don't have the ability to hear him and react outside of my influence. i take it personally towards myself. i'm starting to walk on eggshells around him. he wants full freedom to not be judged for anything, and just be accepted for who he is and i have to pipe up about how "I know" (in a sarcastic tone that sends him leaving hurt and me waiting for him to leave for good) how can i be so cruel? a better question....how do i stop being so freaking self-focused?!

What's going on in our relationship that in the last 48 hours we've been at each other's throats one minute and laughing hysterically at something the next. our once naturally feeling relationship is starting to feel dislocated. i admit i don't hear him...i don't know how to relate to him without wanting to fix his problems, but at the same time a big part of me is just hurting for him and for myself (selfishness yet again...)

What can i say? what can i do? i'm stripping him of his ability to be vulnerable with me by cutting him down, but my defense mechanism is to cut down in order to fight back and protect myself. my boyfriend was hurting tonight and the only reason was because i'm the one who knocked him down. i don't like seeing people wounded like that.

k, i'm downright CERTAIN that no one is reading this, so i guess it will become my own personal journal.

I'm SICK and TIRED of feeling like my body is about to fall apart. i'm laughing one minute and bursting into tears the next...and always with the constant cloud of anxiety weighing over me. What is UP with that?! i figured things were going good with Doug and me now so i went over there to hang out and ended up crying in his arms because i had another panic-stricken, heart-pounding, fear-encompassing...you get the picture. and the STUPID PART is that we were watching a black and white comedy at the time. if i didn't know any better i'd think i was pregnant (but this is impossible seeing as i've never had sex in my life)

God, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!! why is my life surrounded by fear and trepidation?

I need my independance, i need to move out, i need FREEDOM to figure this stuff out and become an adult. Dori's right, if i were to get my own place for a little while i think a lot of my anxiety over being able to make it on my own would pass. but now i have to try to find a place...Lord, can you help with that?!

Remedies

So i went to my Doctor this afternoon for a BC Prescription to aide in my search for normalcy...figured it was a last resort. Before i went to teach i stopped by the health food store and talked to the herbalist there. She was really helpful and showed me some natural things i can take to help level out my hormones. i like her method a bit better. i'm a little wary of BC since my sister-in-law almost died because of them (she had a pseudo-stroke...basically a miracle that the blood clot disappated the way it did). i think i'll keep them on the back burner, but if this stuff doesn't work i'm going to try asking for straight progesterone...what can it hurt.

well, hopefully that was all enlightening for you, i'm shocked that i was able to deal with this so quickly today.

On a lighter note...teaching was absolutely fantastic today. I had so much fun with my students and the afternoon just flew by! It's such a good feeling to be back into the groove of things.

Doug left for the week to go up camping. It's going to be weird being apart (boo hoo...i know) but we've been together so much this summer, it's a really foreign feeling to be stuck at my parent's house alone. I'll probably still stop by to feed them and stuff...but otherwise i guess i work and sleep (i'm "single" again lol)

complexity

I guess i need to formally welcome myself to the world of blogging. i haven't been here for a long time...probably 2 years or more. i used to be at livejournal.com, but i think i like this layout way better. So thank you leanned for introducing me!

I keep too much built up inside and the more i want to talk to the people around me, the more i feel like i'm disappointing them. Has anyone ever had problems with their parents and the person they were dating? I mean, my parents and i are/were close, but when i'm having issues in my relationship with Doug i feel as though they are the last people i can turn to for help. I can only take so much of that.

Now i'm just scared. Scared that in my life i'm going to be making the wrong choices and will have to live with that for the rest of my life. Scared that i'm disappointing people who have their own expectations of me. Scared that i'm going to fail more and more as i get older and step out on my own. Scared that I'm going to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me! (keep in mind i'm probably dealing with unbalanced hormones mixed with unhealthy eating habits and stress)

How do you handle that kind of pressure? that kind of expectation? Anyone got a good music artist i can listen to right now? i'm running low on solid music lately (and getting bored with what i have)

how's that for a first blog...jeepers, i hope i can get some good ones in here too. (and it's not even 12pm yet!!)