k, i'm downright CERTAIN that no one is reading this, so i guess it will become my own personal journal.

I'm SICK and TIRED of feeling like my body is about to fall apart. i'm laughing one minute and bursting into tears the next...and always with the constant cloud of anxiety weighing over me. What is UP with that?! i figured things were going good with Doug and me now so i went over there to hang out and ended up crying in his arms because i had another panic-stricken, heart-pounding, fear-encompassing...you get the picture. and the STUPID PART is that we were watching a black and white comedy at the time. if i didn't know any better i'd think i was pregnant (but this is impossible seeing as i've never had sex in my life)

God, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!! why is my life surrounded by fear and trepidation?

I need my independance, i need to move out, i need FREEDOM to figure this stuff out and become an adult. Dori's right, if i were to get my own place for a little while i think a lot of my anxiety over being able to make it on my own would pass. but now i have to try to find a place...Lord, can you help with that?!

Remedies

So i went to my Doctor this afternoon for a BC Prescription to aide in my search for normalcy...figured it was a last resort. Before i went to teach i stopped by the health food store and talked to the herbalist there. She was really helpful and showed me some natural things i can take to help level out my hormones. i like her method a bit better. i'm a little wary of BC since my sister-in-law almost died because of them (she had a pseudo-stroke...basically a miracle that the blood clot disappated the way it did). i think i'll keep them on the back burner, but if this stuff doesn't work i'm going to try asking for straight progesterone...what can it hurt.

well, hopefully that was all enlightening for you, i'm shocked that i was able to deal with this so quickly today.

On a lighter note...teaching was absolutely fantastic today. I had so much fun with my students and the afternoon just flew by! It's such a good feeling to be back into the groove of things.

Doug left for the week to go up camping. It's going to be weird being apart (boo hoo...i know) but we've been together so much this summer, it's a really foreign feeling to be stuck at my parent's house alone. I'll probably still stop by to feed them and stuff...but otherwise i guess i work and sleep (i'm "single" again lol)

complexity

I guess i need to formally welcome myself to the world of blogging. i haven't been here for a long time...probably 2 years or more. i used to be at livejournal.com, but i think i like this layout way better. So thank you leanned for introducing me!

I keep too much built up inside and the more i want to talk to the people around me, the more i feel like i'm disappointing them. Has anyone ever had problems with their parents and the person they were dating? I mean, my parents and i are/were close, but when i'm having issues in my relationship with Doug i feel as though they are the last people i can turn to for help. I can only take so much of that.

Now i'm just scared. Scared that in my life i'm going to be making the wrong choices and will have to live with that for the rest of my life. Scared that i'm disappointing people who have their own expectations of me. Scared that i'm going to fail more and more as i get older and step out on my own. Scared that I'm going to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me! (keep in mind i'm probably dealing with unbalanced hormones mixed with unhealthy eating habits and stress)

How do you handle that kind of pressure? that kind of expectation? Anyone got a good music artist i can listen to right now? i'm running low on solid music lately (and getting bored with what i have)

how's that for a first blog...jeepers, i hope i can get some good ones in here too. (and it's not even 12pm yet!!)