A New Beginning - Journey to Discovery

I have definately been avoiding any reference to recording how my well-being has been of late. I am finally able to say i'm happy again!! And I mean goodness to the heart happy!

These past few months were rocky and there are still struggles with doubt for future plans, but i'm learning to accept things for where they are at and as much as I miss the relationship i was able to share for two years...its the relationship itself and not the person that i miss most. I know my journey to discovering who i really am is only still in its beginning stages but already i have learned more about myself than i even knew. A lot of friends who read this will be cheering me saying i'm FINALLY seeing it. It won't be an easy journey, but i have found my true friends through all of this. I'm learning to be ok with being me and as more things come to light, i am finding myself accepting of them. I still judge myself unfairly but that too will diminish with time i hope.

One of the biggest struggles i am working through right now is being ok with "Failing" the dream i had when i was young of being married, and having my own family by now. Obviously that is not right at this time in my life. i'm learning to be ok with that. The hardest part is not only breaking free of the dream mold, but being ok to break free of the mold of expectations I've laid on myself. A lot of these expectations come from how i was brought up...

...I struggle with bringing home a friend I am developing a close friendship with (and i will most likely remain a friendship...a close one) He is fast becoming a "best" friend if there is such a thing. And yet, because there is something more there on my end (but i know the time isn't right to pursue it) I find my brain going to that place of wonder and curiosity. In a way my family acts as a sledge hammer to prevent anything like that happening because they have their own ideas of who i should be together with...and this friend, as close as he is and as amazing as he treats me, doesn't fit those expectations.

There is a lot of frustration towards my family. I am put in a place where I know the exact name of the person they want to see me marrying, but that man happens to have a gf right now and also, they're pushing it makes me want to walk the other way. If it had been my own interest, MAYBE it could/would work, but because i know its what they want...it turns me off. I'm starting to realize that it really is my choice in who i marry. And Marriage is a LONG WAy OFF for me right now. i'm content to enjoy having a close friend i can share life with. Maybe that's what i'll be like for the rest of my life, maybe that's what i'll be like for this chapter, i don't know. But i pray that God continues to help me guard my heart. I don't want to fall into the trap of a meaningless relationship or fall in love with someone i can't have.

It feels good knowing me at a different level than i've ever known before. And when i see Doug my heart still falls in my chest and I could cry...but i don't. i move away, move on and try to fill my mind with other things. The things i feel for Doug are along the lines of sadness and unfairness in how he seems to be happy...SEEMS. I know he's miserable...and i know i've let him go. God, LET ME FORGET HIM NOW!! not forget the relationship because it helped me grow in a lot of ways...but let me forget what he did to hurt me. Let me forget the lies i've been told.