I've blown it! I have realized in the past hour that i am THE most self-centered person i know! there is no excuse imaginable for the way i have behaved in the last...20ish so years of my life. I've always been the "Woah is me" girl and look how hard my life has been and have expected other people to "fix" me with their advice since people seem so inclined to do so! But that doesn't give me the right to completely shut others down as they are speaking to me...and speaking heart issues.

I don't know how to NOT fix people. I don't know how to encourage someone who won's accept encouragement. i don't know how to be compassionate to someone hurting when that person is my own boyfriend!

It was weird. it was almost as though i was seeing our relationship disintigrating because of me tonight. and there was nothing i could do to stop it! i am so on guard and terrified of saying anything that is going to make him upset, or offended. he sits there pouring out his concerns and is trying to work out a decision and all i did was cut him deeper than anyone could. i feel terrible and the worst part is i think he may be better off without me. all i hear when he's talking is that there are pressures surrounding him saying he's not good enough and he'll never live up to the expectations of other people. all i see is how much pressure i'm putting on him. i don't have the ability to hear him and react outside of my influence. i take it personally towards myself. i'm starting to walk on eggshells around him. he wants full freedom to not be judged for anything, and just be accepted for who he is and i have to pipe up about how "I know" (in a sarcastic tone that sends him leaving hurt and me waiting for him to leave for good) how can i be so cruel? a better question....how do i stop being so freaking self-focused?!

What's going on in our relationship that in the last 48 hours we've been at each other's throats one minute and laughing hysterically at something the next. our once naturally feeling relationship is starting to feel dislocated. i admit i don't hear him...i don't know how to relate to him without wanting to fix his problems, but at the same time a big part of me is just hurting for him and for myself (selfishness yet again...)

What can i say? what can i do? i'm stripping him of his ability to be vulnerable with me by cutting him down, but my defense mechanism is to cut down in order to fight back and protect myself. my boyfriend was hurting tonight and the only reason was because i'm the one who knocked him down. i don't like seeing people wounded like that.