HORSE$#!&

I'm FREAKING sick and TIRED of feeling like i'm not allowed to be happy. When i'm in my life, i'm at peace, knowing it's where God has called me to be, i'm with the people i'm supposed to be with and i'm making a difference in the world in all areas of work in my life. I don't get why i have to feel so FREAKING uneasy about it when i'm around my family. Can i really not expect them to be happy for me? does it have to be this uncomfortable when i want to tell them how awesome my relationship with Doug is?

I have affirmation in my heart that Doug is the man i want to marry, i have affirmation from wise, respected adults in our lives that we are a great couple and that we're perfect for one another and yet my family seems to think that he's not good enough.

I was watching "The Other Sister" yesterday and the scene where Carla is yelling at her mom about Danny saying she can't do much but she can love. Her mom says that Danny isn't good enough, that Carla could do better...but where are the mom's priorities? it's evident throughout the movie that status and money are the labels that she puts on success. Will Carla and Danny have a lot of money, no, but at least in the end her family supports her 100%.

I found myself crying so hard at the end when Danny and Carla were driving away, married, because their life seems so much like mine. I may not have a handicap, but i feel like people keep me in a box, label me, and expect me to live up to their ideals. WELL I HAVE MY OWN IDEALS!!! I have my own goals in life and i have my own levels of love. I ACCEPT people as they are, i don't expect them to be perfect. I don't want them to be perfect. there's no such thing, and yet "they worry because they care". Who gives a SHIT what they think. When was the last time they even asked what i do in my life? when was the last time they wanted to know how my girl's group is doing...how i'm being an influence in other peoples' lives.

"Heck, it's just Stacy. She's wanted to be a stay-at-home mom her whole life. she hasn't gone to college but she's built a career so she could do that. she's smart and successful and needs a guy who will match that. She has a spoiled way of life and needs a man who can continue that for her or she'll be miserable. Doug's going to make her work her whole life and never keep a steady paycheck. he'll run her out of her hard-earned money. eventually they'll enter the world of reality and the love will run out and they'll be stuck. in five years she's going to be asking "why didn't you warn me"!!"

Yea, maybe that's a bit extreme, but it is what i have heard from my family (not in so many words). The concerns they bring up are built on false conclusions of who Doug is. He's a bad-mouthed, drunk who can't hold a career to support me and has a negative attitude on life.

hmmm...and yet the man i see has a heart for ministry, prays constantly, is angry at the fact that humanity causes so many evils. He's a man who isn't comfortable here because he can't wait to go home. He's a man who longs for Christ's return so badly because then he can finally breathe and be free from all the shit life keeps bringing up. the man i see is tender, understanding, willing to talk anything out, wanting to work on relationship and build relationship with everyone her meets. he's a man who makes a terrible first impression but is a friend for life if you'll let him. he has a fighting spirit and is working hard to save the world one kid at a time. He wants to study criminalistics and be a corrections officer, he'll do whatever it takes to provide for his family and support the people in his life no matter the cost. he's willing to give up a good paycheck in order to be there for his family and be an influence. he's willing to take a hit in order to raise kids into Godly men and women. he tries and tries to prove himself to the people he feels have him in a box and yet constantly he seems to be shot down. He has no dreams of grandure, but embraces poverty because joy is found there. he loves unconditionally!

he's the man i want! he's the man i dreamed of. he's not perfect, he's not the ideal my family expects, but he's mine. he loves me and i love him. our life won't be a fairytale and there will be times we'll struggle and probably not want to be together, but that happens with every couple. he's not my rebellion, he's my best friend and he's first person i want to see when i wake up and the last person i want to see before i go to sleep. I crave his opinions and his ideas. I love his encouragement and his spirit. his childlike energy and his craziness match my own and there's a freedom in that to be myself without boundaries.

and yet when i want to say these things to my family there's a pit that i'm disappointing them. i'm tired of the anxiety. i actually was free from the panic attacks for four days...four glorious days. and then the thought of my family coming back scared me into anxious thoughts again and i'm trying to fight them down. i'm just glad i have my counseling appointment this afternoon. finally i have a reason to spill it all out and someone who can help me with that.

I just want to know that i can be excited when i'm engaged, and not dread telling people. we're not the perfect couple in the eyes of my family, but we're the perfect couple in my eyes and that's all that should matter!