Well, seeing as i have more people reading this blog than i thought i did, i feel it's necessary to update it now. There are times in your life you wish would just disappear. Events, conversations, and decisions that take place that you wish you could just erase from your memory and so blogging about it doesn't seem like a very big need...at least in those moments.
My life feels like its been a string of those moments over the past few months. Christmas was a time i thought things would turn around...instead they spun out of my control and i'm left standing in the wind watching it blow away.
Some of you noticed my facebook status changed quite a bit upon my return home. Yes, i was engaged for 11 glorious days. i was making plans, dreaming, and at the same time tip-toeing around my family. Knowing they didn't approve...feeling the tension in the air and yet trying to ignore it so i wouldn't cause a scene and ruin my parents wonderful Christmas gift to us all.
That lasted up until Christmas Day. My fairytale life ended that day. The people involved i will keep to myself, knowing that it is in my own heart that i need to forgive (but i have no desire to). I cried enough to feel like i had flooded the world (i can understand how children could believe the flood was caused by God crying over his people...i swear its possible)
People have their judgements, and people seem to think that they need to have a word in others lives or their own doesn't seem as meaningful. To these people i urge you to keep your mouths shut. if you TRULY care for someone...let them make their choices and live with their decisions. If you must speak, before you open your mouth consider the impact you have on that person's life. if they hold you in a high respect, by all means share your opinion, but then step away and let them make their choice. If they really don't care about you and the relationship you have is slim at best, keep it to yourself because that person won't really care, and will end up blaming you for any results of your comments.
I hurt now for the people who have felt the sting of words like these, from people who claim to care, but who revel in knowing it all. I'm not saying that this is the person who created the problems or even brought them to light, but the method of bringing these things up was done in the cruelest way possible and ruined what could have been a wonderful holiday.
so, i am no longer engaged, nor am i dating. the choice wasn't mine, but it was made in wisdom. I hurt everyday for the pain my family has caused him. I cry myself to sleep at night over the disrespect and disregard people had for him. and i cry because they were unwilling to see beyond their own vices.
i'm in pain now, but that pain will die away in time. i was able to keep my best friend in all of this and i hold no negative feelings towards him. we still hang out, but things will always be different. I have to learn to choose not to love...NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DO THAT!!! Learning to let yourself love through all circumstances is hard enough...how do go backwards when there are no grounds for it?! yes, there is definate pain, and i think there is even irrepairable damage done in my family. i trust no one, i care for no one, and i want no one involved in my life.
what have i done that they don't want me to be happy?
3 comments:
Oh Stacy, the words you describe about having to choose not to love (when you have just spent so much time learning to love "unconditionally"), that's all so true. I myself had to do this exact thing not too long ago. And your words about it bring that pain back to the surface, because it is so fresh still. I ache for you, knowing (but of course, not knowing your exact pain) how gut-wrenching and heart breaking it is. You're right, NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO DO THAT. I am sorry that you are hurting. Know that you are not alone, that I share your pain, and I hold you up in prayer. I am crying for you as I write because I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone, it truly is horrific. I love you Stacy.
Yeah eventually the pain does lessen a little and you adjust to life as it will be, which is hard when it's not the way you want it to be. (I tell ya though, at the very beginning I wanted to punch anyone who tried to tell me that time would heal me!!)I have adjusted well now 3 months later and am able to recognize that this was all for the best and I am proud for having obeyed God's call in my life. But your circumstances are so different. I am so sorry that your family has not been the support you need and I am praying that God will place people in your life that will be the support that you need and deserve.
I'm so pissed off for you right now. I was coming up with a letter in my head to write to the people who have hurt you as I was laying in bed last night. It's all soooooo wrong.
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