2008??? can it please be OVER already!?

My year has started with a bang and i already wish it was december 31st and a new year was beginning again. I REALLY hope this isn't a sign for what this year has to hold for me.

Family...by definition is a group of people offering their undying support and love (stacy's dictionary) For most cases this is true. There are a few cases where families fall apart and the ever-present questions, "WHY" comes into play.

My family is the latter. While many of them have supported me and have truly shown care and respect, others have found it their responsibility to be offended when i choose not to discuss my situation. (mainly because i have not come to the conclusion as to what my conclusion IS!) so, in all fairness, why would i want to talk about how i'm doing? i answer "ok" and say i don't want to talk about it.

Well, this answer doesn't work so well with someone in my family and because i walk away and choose to continually tell said person to "Shut-up" and "I don't want to talk about it" and "I don't want to hear it"...I am called certain names that call down my character.

This leaves me wondering what the motivation behind said person really, TRULY, is. Do they care about how i'm doing? or are they interested in knowing all details and when shut out of the process of my life are choosing to lash out at me? Is said person struggling with something of their own and my reaction sent them over the edge? I don't know, but the result of our confrontation was a full on physical brawl in MY OFFICE!!!!! I'm embarrassed so say it, but it's true. I refuse to stand by while being called names that attack my character. I have chosen a life of celebacy and, personally, at the age of 25 should be CELEBRATING that fact...not being referred to as someone who is a little bit looser with their lifestyle. (i'll leave it to your imagination)...in the end i did throw the first SLAP! i wasn't expecting said person to come after me with that kind of vengence.

In my mind i think i could have chosen a higher road, but the truth is we all have our moments of weakness and mine disappointed myself more than anything you will ever understand. There was no excuse for my actions. To know the kind of hurt at being on the receiving end of those comments makes me certain i NEVER want to inflict that kind of pain on another person! I have hope that God will forgive me, and i will one day be able to forgive this person. There is a lot of grace that needs to be learned.

Truthfully, i feel no remorse for what i did, but i know it was NOT what i was called to do. What kind of an example was i to the employee witnessing this altercation? I guess that's something I'LL have to answer for in the long run!

"Be still and know that I am God"... easy to read, easy to feel sometimes. and yet you have to wonder why others can't read things like this. but again, that's something THEY will have to answer to.

So to all you who ever thought i was this perfect christian girl...i have failed you! for that I apologize! To the person i had this conflict with...maybe i am self-centered, maybe i am acting in the way you suggest, but those are things i'll have to answer for in the long run. Thank you for your concern, but if you truly care about me...leave me be for now! I apologize to YOU for striking you...believe me i wanted to hurt you deeper than you could imagine...for that i'm sorry! I know you want to be a part of my life and you say you care about me, but sometimes the best way to care is to leave me be! I've dealt with things on my own for so long, it's a little overwhelming to have people assuming i can just open my life up to others.

No, you don't understand what i'm going through; just as i don't understand what you're going through. but that's ok. i'm sorry i never asked you how you were doing in your pain. i see you're still in a great deal of pain, but we all have to deal with our shit in our own way. I choose to be alone and let the "safe" people in...you aren't one of them. that's just how it is. I've never thought i was close enough to touch on such a sensitive issue in your life...that's why i've never asked how you're doing. I don't want to cause you more pain by asking. maybe that makes sense, maybe you'll never read what i mean. I am sorry i lashed out...more than you know. maybe that's enough for you, most likely not, but it's the truth. (now if only i had the guts to actually email this to you!)