I wish as humans we had the choice to feel. Today i'm hurting more than i ever thought humanly possible. My heart literally feels as though it has been ripped from my chest! All I want to do is end my life and stop this pain.
My best friend told me that often these times are attributed to God "doing" this to us, when in fact it could very well simply be Satan asking God "how far will you let me go with this person". It's a bit of a cliche to say that i understand a bit about how Job felt, but it's the truth. Satan pushed him and Job remained faithful. So my challenge is to stand up and say "bring it on!" I have never NEVER cried as hard as i have tonight...but then, i've never loved this hard before either.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Forgiveness and Resolve
My dad was able to set up a mtg between me and the family member i got into a fight with. I went there with the full intention of apologizing and leaving. We ended up staying longer than i thought and they even apologized for the words spoken. The fight was out of character and knowing how much pain we are both going through right now it's understandable to a point but we went way over the line.
To be able to forgive is one of God's greatest gifts to us. It offers peace and a good night's rest. Granted, now that this major issue has been handled, i'm left waking up to a different hole in my heart. That pain will take longer to heal i'm sure.
To be able to forgive is one of God's greatest gifts to us. It offers peace and a good night's rest. Granted, now that this major issue has been handled, i'm left waking up to a different hole in my heart. That pain will take longer to heal i'm sure.
Friday, January 18, 2008
2008??? can it please be OVER already!?
My year has started with a bang and i already wish it was december 31st and a new year was beginning again. I REALLY hope this isn't a sign for what this year has to hold for me.
Family...by definition is a group of people offering their undying support and love (stacy's dictionary) For most cases this is true. There are a few cases where families fall apart and the ever-present questions, "WHY" comes into play.
My family is the latter. While many of them have supported me and have truly shown care and respect, others have found it their responsibility to be offended when i choose not to discuss my situation. (mainly because i have not come to the conclusion as to what my conclusion IS!) so, in all fairness, why would i want to talk about how i'm doing? i answer "ok" and say i don't want to talk about it.
Well, this answer doesn't work so well with someone in my family and because i walk away and choose to continually tell said person to "Shut-up" and "I don't want to talk about it" and "I don't want to hear it"...I am called certain names that call down my character.
This leaves me wondering what the motivation behind said person really, TRULY, is. Do they care about how i'm doing? or are they interested in knowing all details and when shut out of the process of my life are choosing to lash out at me? Is said person struggling with something of their own and my reaction sent them over the edge? I don't know, but the result of our confrontation was a full on physical brawl in MY OFFICE!!!!! I'm embarrassed so say it, but it's true. I refuse to stand by while being called names that attack my character. I have chosen a life of celebacy and, personally, at the age of 25 should be CELEBRATING that fact...not being referred to as someone who is a little bit looser with their lifestyle. (i'll leave it to your imagination)...in the end i did throw the first SLAP! i wasn't expecting said person to come after me with that kind of vengence.
In my mind i think i could have chosen a higher road, but the truth is we all have our moments of weakness and mine disappointed myself more than anything you will ever understand. There was no excuse for my actions. To know the kind of hurt at being on the receiving end of those comments makes me certain i NEVER want to inflict that kind of pain on another person! I have hope that God will forgive me, and i will one day be able to forgive this person. There is a lot of grace that needs to be learned.
Truthfully, i feel no remorse for what i did, but i know it was NOT what i was called to do. What kind of an example was i to the employee witnessing this altercation? I guess that's something I'LL have to answer for in the long run!
"Be still and know that I am God"... easy to read, easy to feel sometimes. and yet you have to wonder why others can't read things like this. but again, that's something THEY will have to answer to.
So to all you who ever thought i was this perfect christian girl...i have failed you! for that I apologize! To the person i had this conflict with...maybe i am self-centered, maybe i am acting in the way you suggest, but those are things i'll have to answer for in the long run. Thank you for your concern, but if you truly care about me...leave me be for now! I apologize to YOU for striking you...believe me i wanted to hurt you deeper than you could imagine...for that i'm sorry! I know you want to be a part of my life and you say you care about me, but sometimes the best way to care is to leave me be! I've dealt with things on my own for so long, it's a little overwhelming to have people assuming i can just open my life up to others.
No, you don't understand what i'm going through; just as i don't understand what you're going through. but that's ok. i'm sorry i never asked you how you were doing in your pain. i see you're still in a great deal of pain, but we all have to deal with our shit in our own way. I choose to be alone and let the "safe" people in...you aren't one of them. that's just how it is. I've never thought i was close enough to touch on such a sensitive issue in your life...that's why i've never asked how you're doing. I don't want to cause you more pain by asking. maybe that makes sense, maybe you'll never read what i mean. I am sorry i lashed out...more than you know. maybe that's enough for you, most likely not, but it's the truth. (now if only i had the guts to actually email this to you!)
Family...by definition is a group of people offering their undying support and love (stacy's dictionary) For most cases this is true. There are a few cases where families fall apart and the ever-present questions, "WHY" comes into play.
My family is the latter. While many of them have supported me and have truly shown care and respect, others have found it their responsibility to be offended when i choose not to discuss my situation. (mainly because i have not come to the conclusion as to what my conclusion IS!) so, in all fairness, why would i want to talk about how i'm doing? i answer "ok" and say i don't want to talk about it.
Well, this answer doesn't work so well with someone in my family and because i walk away and choose to continually tell said person to "Shut-up" and "I don't want to talk about it" and "I don't want to hear it"...I am called certain names that call down my character.
This leaves me wondering what the motivation behind said person really, TRULY, is. Do they care about how i'm doing? or are they interested in knowing all details and when shut out of the process of my life are choosing to lash out at me? Is said person struggling with something of their own and my reaction sent them over the edge? I don't know, but the result of our confrontation was a full on physical brawl in MY OFFICE!!!!! I'm embarrassed so say it, but it's true. I refuse to stand by while being called names that attack my character. I have chosen a life of celebacy and, personally, at the age of 25 should be CELEBRATING that fact...not being referred to as someone who is a little bit looser with their lifestyle. (i'll leave it to your imagination)...in the end i did throw the first SLAP! i wasn't expecting said person to come after me with that kind of vengence.
In my mind i think i could have chosen a higher road, but the truth is we all have our moments of weakness and mine disappointed myself more than anything you will ever understand. There was no excuse for my actions. To know the kind of hurt at being on the receiving end of those comments makes me certain i NEVER want to inflict that kind of pain on another person! I have hope that God will forgive me, and i will one day be able to forgive this person. There is a lot of grace that needs to be learned.
Truthfully, i feel no remorse for what i did, but i know it was NOT what i was called to do. What kind of an example was i to the employee witnessing this altercation? I guess that's something I'LL have to answer for in the long run!
"Be still and know that I am God"... easy to read, easy to feel sometimes. and yet you have to wonder why others can't read things like this. but again, that's something THEY will have to answer to.
So to all you who ever thought i was this perfect christian girl...i have failed you! for that I apologize! To the person i had this conflict with...maybe i am self-centered, maybe i am acting in the way you suggest, but those are things i'll have to answer for in the long run. Thank you for your concern, but if you truly care about me...leave me be for now! I apologize to YOU for striking you...believe me i wanted to hurt you deeper than you could imagine...for that i'm sorry! I know you want to be a part of my life and you say you care about me, but sometimes the best way to care is to leave me be! I've dealt with things on my own for so long, it's a little overwhelming to have people assuming i can just open my life up to others.
No, you don't understand what i'm going through; just as i don't understand what you're going through. but that's ok. i'm sorry i never asked you how you were doing in your pain. i see you're still in a great deal of pain, but we all have to deal with our shit in our own way. I choose to be alone and let the "safe" people in...you aren't one of them. that's just how it is. I've never thought i was close enough to touch on such a sensitive issue in your life...that's why i've never asked how you're doing. I don't want to cause you more pain by asking. maybe that makes sense, maybe you'll never read what i mean. I am sorry i lashed out...more than you know. maybe that's enough for you, most likely not, but it's the truth. (now if only i had the guts to actually email this to you!)
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Don't Pity Me!!!
That's an order! I do this crap to myself. How do you not be with someone you love, who has been a standing part of your life for the past 2 years? Being with him isn't what kills me, it's knowing what's going on and yet having to live LIFE outside of "us". Any pining i do is now my own fault. Things are becoming more clear...and yet i still wonder.
To those of you who have commented, anonymously or friends, i love you! Sometimes the words of the unattached carry more weight because they can see a bit of the picture and bit more of who i am than even i do. I know you don't see the whole picture, and i'll admit, it's one-sided, but you give me hope when i'm ready to give up. God is using these small things to keep me going! Thank you for taking the time to comment. it speaks more than just your words. Hugz to you!
After meeting with Doug's "dad" (Al) I feel completely spent. Dont' get me wrong it was a fantastic meeting, but i'm worn out emotionally. My faith seems to be all i have that's a certainty anymore. I've decided to go away for a few days. Leave everything behind and just disappear. I hate being alone, but i really think God and i need some seriously undisturbed time together. I love it at River Run! I recommend it to everyone. Peaceful and beautiful. check out their website: http://www.riverruncottages.com/
No matter what happens, i need to move on in life! It's like Carrie Underwood's song says, "We've been left here, on this carnival ride. Some are born and in the same moment someone is taking their last breath." Time doesn't stop for sorrow, it speeds up in joy, and it slows in sadness, but never stops...and neither can i!
Thank you to everyone who has come beside me and supported me. I'd be lost without you!
To those of you who have commented, anonymously or friends, i love you! Sometimes the words of the unattached carry more weight because they can see a bit of the picture and bit more of who i am than even i do. I know you don't see the whole picture, and i'll admit, it's one-sided, but you give me hope when i'm ready to give up. God is using these small things to keep me going! Thank you for taking the time to comment. it speaks more than just your words. Hugz to you!
After meeting with Doug's "dad" (Al) I feel completely spent. Dont' get me wrong it was a fantastic meeting, but i'm worn out emotionally. My faith seems to be all i have that's a certainty anymore. I've decided to go away for a few days. Leave everything behind and just disappear. I hate being alone, but i really think God and i need some seriously undisturbed time together. I love it at River Run! I recommend it to everyone. Peaceful and beautiful. check out their website: http://www.riverruncottages.com/
No matter what happens, i need to move on in life! It's like Carrie Underwood's song says, "We've been left here, on this carnival ride. Some are born and in the same moment someone is taking their last breath." Time doesn't stop for sorrow, it speeds up in joy, and it slows in sadness, but never stops...and neither can i!
Thank you to everyone who has come beside me and supported me. I'd be lost without you!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Growing Up!
So I guess absentmindedly i've decided to grow up in the year 2008! I am taking all the steps necessary to become an independant woman. I'm making decisions that are my own and have actually been getting very positive responses on them.
Basically i have decided to buy my own place sometime this year. I met with a realtor today and he was very helpful. It's really refreshing meeting someone who's in the business to help and not to get the most money. I was greatly encouraged by what he had to say and the way he was telling me that i'm in the perfect place to buy. I'm going to read through the info he gave me and make a decision on whether he's the person i want to be working with, but for the most part i was greatly impressed with his view of things and his willingness to work with me. For now, i'm just going to take it one step at a time and figure things out as i go.
I'm sitting in my massage chair right now having my back PULVERIZED by this thing! oh, my word i didn't know i had so many extra spines! the knots are just flipping around in there, very relaxing! I think this is the first time i've sat down for me all day and i'm spending it blogging! lol... there are so many other things i could be doing right now.
I've decided to actually celebrate my bday this year. It's in a month so i have tons of time for planning, but i think i'm going to throw a LUAU! surrongs and cocunut shells are a MUST! (well, at least bathing suit tops!) i'm not sure on the details as of yet, but i'm sure they'll fall into place. I just have to make sure i don't do any crazy spending between now and then so i actually have money! So if you're reading this, keep your eyes open for an invite on facebook!
g'nite!
Basically i have decided to buy my own place sometime this year. I met with a realtor today and he was very helpful. It's really refreshing meeting someone who's in the business to help and not to get the most money. I was greatly encouraged by what he had to say and the way he was telling me that i'm in the perfect place to buy. I'm going to read through the info he gave me and make a decision on whether he's the person i want to be working with, but for the most part i was greatly impressed with his view of things and his willingness to work with me. For now, i'm just going to take it one step at a time and figure things out as i go.
I'm sitting in my massage chair right now having my back PULVERIZED by this thing! oh, my word i didn't know i had so many extra spines! the knots are just flipping around in there, very relaxing! I think this is the first time i've sat down for me all day and i'm spending it blogging! lol... there are so many other things i could be doing right now.
I've decided to actually celebrate my bday this year. It's in a month so i have tons of time for planning, but i think i'm going to throw a LUAU! surrongs and cocunut shells are a MUST! (well, at least bathing suit tops!) i'm not sure on the details as of yet, but i'm sure they'll fall into place. I just have to make sure i don't do any crazy spending between now and then so i actually have money! So if you're reading this, keep your eyes open for an invite on facebook!
g'nite!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Shake it Off!! (random ramblings of where my mind is at)
I'm so tired of writing about the same thing... I told a friend of mine last night i wish that God would just show me my next 5-year plan with everything i'm going to experience. I know that could be a scary thing, but in reality i'd just rather know. On top of all that I'm LONGING for Christ's return to be soon so i don't have to keep figuring this stuff out.
A person told me that there are two things God calls us to do to have a healthy and long life:
1) to judge one another in our Christian walk and mention when something isn't following His word
2) to honour your mother and father
hmmmm...lets think on that one! I know that we are called to keep others from stumbling, but isn't that a temptation to become too focused on the speck in someone else's eye while ignoring the plank in your own? secondly, as I recall Jesus was asked what the two GREATEST commandments are and he responded: To love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul; and to love your neighbour as yourself.
hmmmm...something isn't jiving here!!! I'm in the middle of the biggest tug-of-war of my life and i'm being thrown scripture after scripture from all sides. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?!! here, my family is judging ruthlessly and i wonder if they would honestly appreciate someone looking into their lives with as much criticism. (where's the love in that?!) and isn't the saving people from stumbling only a command to save them from the sins leading up to death?!
i was dating a liberal and my family is conservative...maybe that alone was my biggest fault. In the past two years i have grown, i have been challenged, and i have learned to love.
but i have to ask myself, is my desire to be married stronger than my reasoning for WHO i marry?! that's a scary question to ask yourself, let me tell you. Things have changed and they will never be the same again. "I need, WIDE OPEN SPACES!!! Room to make the big mistakes, i need NEW FACES! to know the highest stakes"
i'm a freaking human yo-yo! anyone who truly knows Doug knows him to be direct and not sugar-coated; a solid christian who is constantly challenging himself in scripture and understanding. someone who is figuring out new ways to help youth understand where God is in their lives to fix the ROOTS of the problems and not focus on just the symptoms.
I lie in bed praying for clarity and i feel a sense that this is over for good, then i wake up to this battle waging war in my mind! I WANT THE ANSWERS!!!!!! anyone got them?!
A person told me that there are two things God calls us to do to have a healthy and long life:
1) to judge one another in our Christian walk and mention when something isn't following His word
2) to honour your mother and father
hmmmm...lets think on that one! I know that we are called to keep others from stumbling, but isn't that a temptation to become too focused on the speck in someone else's eye while ignoring the plank in your own? secondly, as I recall Jesus was asked what the two GREATEST commandments are and he responded: To love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul; and to love your neighbour as yourself.
hmmmm...something isn't jiving here!!! I'm in the middle of the biggest tug-of-war of my life and i'm being thrown scripture after scripture from all sides. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?!! here, my family is judging ruthlessly and i wonder if they would honestly appreciate someone looking into their lives with as much criticism. (where's the love in that?!) and isn't the saving people from stumbling only a command to save them from the sins leading up to death?!
i was dating a liberal and my family is conservative...maybe that alone was my biggest fault. In the past two years i have grown, i have been challenged, and i have learned to love.
but i have to ask myself, is my desire to be married stronger than my reasoning for WHO i marry?! that's a scary question to ask yourself, let me tell you. Things have changed and they will never be the same again. "I need, WIDE OPEN SPACES!!! Room to make the big mistakes, i need NEW FACES! to know the highest stakes"
i'm a freaking human yo-yo! anyone who truly knows Doug knows him to be direct and not sugar-coated; a solid christian who is constantly challenging himself in scripture and understanding. someone who is figuring out new ways to help youth understand where God is in their lives to fix the ROOTS of the problems and not focus on just the symptoms.
I lie in bed praying for clarity and i feel a sense that this is over for good, then i wake up to this battle waging war in my mind! I WANT THE ANSWERS!!!!!! anyone got them?!
Monday, January 7, 2008
God's work in all things
"And a little child shall lead them"
My life is crumbling and it takes a teenager to bring things back into perspective. In all of this i want to hate so badly, but i was convicted last night because what kind of a christian example would i be to my girls if that's what i chose to do. My love for my God and them is what is forcing me to set aside my anger and focus on learning to forgive. if only to show them that it is possible through Christ! Believe me this is not going to be an easy road...and the people who know the whole situation are wanting me to take revenge...that i have a right to take revenge, but that's not what God says.
Romans 12: 9-21 was a hard passage to read yesterday at church but i think it's one that i needed to hear. The conversation i had with that teen yestersday has led her to asking some serious questions about who God is; and they are going to start reading the book of John to find some of those answers.
I woke up lonely, alone, and sad this morning. but there is an underlying hope in knowing that there's greater work out there than that of my own choices. If this circumstance is going to show my faith to my girls and lead them closer to God, then the pain is worth it. "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain" ... i'm telling you, I LONG FOR DEATH OR CHRIST'S RETURN BECAUSE THEN THIS WILL FINALLY BE OVER!!!
My life is crumbling and it takes a teenager to bring things back into perspective. In all of this i want to hate so badly, but i was convicted last night because what kind of a christian example would i be to my girls if that's what i chose to do. My love for my God and them is what is forcing me to set aside my anger and focus on learning to forgive. if only to show them that it is possible through Christ! Believe me this is not going to be an easy road...and the people who know the whole situation are wanting me to take revenge...that i have a right to take revenge, but that's not what God says.
Romans 12: 9-21 was a hard passage to read yesterday at church but i think it's one that i needed to hear. The conversation i had with that teen yestersday has led her to asking some serious questions about who God is; and they are going to start reading the book of John to find some of those answers.
I woke up lonely, alone, and sad this morning. but there is an underlying hope in knowing that there's greater work out there than that of my own choices. If this circumstance is going to show my faith to my girls and lead them closer to God, then the pain is worth it. "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain" ... i'm telling you, I LONG FOR DEATH OR CHRIST'S RETURN BECAUSE THEN THIS WILL FINALLY BE OVER!!!
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