A New Beginning - Journey to Discovery

I have definately been avoiding any reference to recording how my well-being has been of late. I am finally able to say i'm happy again!! And I mean goodness to the heart happy!

These past few months were rocky and there are still struggles with doubt for future plans, but i'm learning to accept things for where they are at and as much as I miss the relationship i was able to share for two years...its the relationship itself and not the person that i miss most. I know my journey to discovering who i really am is only still in its beginning stages but already i have learned more about myself than i even knew. A lot of friends who read this will be cheering me saying i'm FINALLY seeing it. It won't be an easy journey, but i have found my true friends through all of this. I'm learning to be ok with being me and as more things come to light, i am finding myself accepting of them. I still judge myself unfairly but that too will diminish with time i hope.

One of the biggest struggles i am working through right now is being ok with "Failing" the dream i had when i was young of being married, and having my own family by now. Obviously that is not right at this time in my life. i'm learning to be ok with that. The hardest part is not only breaking free of the dream mold, but being ok to break free of the mold of expectations I've laid on myself. A lot of these expectations come from how i was brought up...

...I struggle with bringing home a friend I am developing a close friendship with (and i will most likely remain a friendship...a close one) He is fast becoming a "best" friend if there is such a thing. And yet, because there is something more there on my end (but i know the time isn't right to pursue it) I find my brain going to that place of wonder and curiosity. In a way my family acts as a sledge hammer to prevent anything like that happening because they have their own ideas of who i should be together with...and this friend, as close as he is and as amazing as he treats me, doesn't fit those expectations.

There is a lot of frustration towards my family. I am put in a place where I know the exact name of the person they want to see me marrying, but that man happens to have a gf right now and also, they're pushing it makes me want to walk the other way. If it had been my own interest, MAYBE it could/would work, but because i know its what they want...it turns me off. I'm starting to realize that it really is my choice in who i marry. And Marriage is a LONG WAy OFF for me right now. i'm content to enjoy having a close friend i can share life with. Maybe that's what i'll be like for the rest of my life, maybe that's what i'll be like for this chapter, i don't know. But i pray that God continues to help me guard my heart. I don't want to fall into the trap of a meaningless relationship or fall in love with someone i can't have.

It feels good knowing me at a different level than i've ever known before. And when i see Doug my heart still falls in my chest and I could cry...but i don't. i move away, move on and try to fill my mind with other things. The things i feel for Doug are along the lines of sadness and unfairness in how he seems to be happy...SEEMS. I know he's miserable...and i know i've let him go. God, LET ME FORGET HIM NOW!! not forget the relationship because it helped me grow in a lot of ways...but let me forget what he did to hurt me. Let me forget the lies i've been told.

Dear Lonely Heart

My dearest love, you break my heart! So many times i see you crying on the inside while others see you smile. What is the shame in showing me?! I know every ounce of pain you are going through and still you won't talk to me. I sit beside you every night as you fall asleep, i ride in the car beside you as you sing along to your music, all the while waiting for you to say something. You talk to me, sure...but there is never anything said. I am grateful you recognize the gifts i send you in sleep, beauty of the sun, and the strength i provide each morning to go on, but what i truly want from you is to konw you!! To not just know, but to KNOW you...to konw that i'm wanted in your life and that you aren't content just to leave me tag along in your life.

Honey, there is way too much pride in your life. You expect what you cannot get from humanity and yet you avoid seeking it out in me! You long for rest and yet bypass the peace i offer. Come to me, my love...leave your burdens in my hands and rest. Speak to me of your deepest desires without fear of condemnation. Unload your hearts pain without the fear of what i may say...What i say i say in love and only to mold you into the woman i've created you to be. Do not take your independence for granted, nor cheat yourself of your true strength. Do not put your thoughts in the hands of mere humans...what good are they? Learn to be open with me and you will have security, peace, direction, and clarity like you have never dreamed of.
Yes, you are at fault in many areas of life, but none of them are irrepairable. Seek after me, dearheart and you will be taught the lessons needed to move on in a healthy life. Your battle is with yourself...but you are not alone in it.

You are hurt and i can feel the anger inside of you pulsing like your heartbeat. Release this! Don't torment yourself like this! Forgive and accept forgiveness. Amend your heart and embrace the life giving tourniquet. I will never leave you or forsake you, don't treat me as if i have! Even when you turn away, I am standing here waiting for you to return!

AHHHH!!!

Oh my gosh!! I can't believe that time is going by so fast. I only have a week left before i'm moving into my own place!! EEEEK!!! this is so exciting and so scary. God is so amazing! He has been giving me so much peace over everything and i mean EVERYTHING! Most who know me understand that i work too much, well, i'm out-doing myself right now. After March 1st things should settle down somewhat, but jeepers is it stressful right now.

This is a typical day in the life of me:

7:30am - wake up, roll out of bed, shower, yadda yadda yadda

8am - go over to neighbours and let out/feed the dogs

8:30am - at work starting my day and keeping frantically busy with RSP season 

2:30pm - leave the office and drive home for a quick bite to eat before teaching

3:00pm - start teaching piano

8:30pm - finish teaching with no breaks (maybe 5 min here and there)

8:35pm - eat a quick dinner

8:45pm - begin data entry for the Festival

11pm - go to bed because my eyes wont stay open anymore

7:30am - start all over again!!!  LOL!!

Well, if i were to look at that schedule and it was someone else i would definately say that they need to take time for themselves. But i preach better than i listen! God is getting me through each day, giving me the strength and courage to face each challenge and learn something new. 

A quick update for you all: Doug and I are back together and more in love than ever. He met with my dad yesterday and even tho Dad isn't thrilled about our relationship he said that Doug and I should do whatever we're going to do. It seems like such a simple statment and yet i feel so free! We aren't engaged, we aren't talking marriage...right now we both realize that we need to be working on our personal lives before entering into a marriage relationship. We want to make sure our "broken legs" heal so we aren't stumbling around for the rest of our lives. Its humbling, but refreshing at the same time.

The month of March we won't be seeing or talking to each other much and i'm actually fully ok with that. We both need time to allow God to direct us and escape from what we just went through. Maybe these past two months have been a wakeup call for both of us in what we need to be working on in our own lives. 

One thing i know for certain. WHEN Doug and I get married it will be because we have chosen one another out of all this and our relationship will always be strong because we'll remember what we had to do to be together!  

Dreams Coming True

well, i've hesitated writing much cuz things are still trying to work themselves out over here. I don't know if you have heard or can tell (maybe my new pics will tell ya) but Doug and I are back together. I know it's not the thing that impresses my parents and i have a lot of trouble feeling excited about it around them, but everyone else is supporting it whole-heartedly. In fact we just celebrated our 2nd anniversary of dating!! LOL!! and he made one of my all-time dreams come true. He took me to the Vancouver Aquarium overnight on Saturday. It was AMAZING! we made sushi from scratch, played games, ate tons and tons of food, got a private "behing-the-scene's tour" and slept right outside the Baluga Whale tank! I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was. Doug also got each of us a year membership at the aquarium giving us 20% off all activities and free admission. Afterwards we went to Robson and shopped all morning until 1pm then went back to the aquarium and took in some of the shows and had fun watching the sharks get fed, etc. It was THE most amazing date i've been on. And next week he says he's taking me somewhere where i have to be all dressed up to the nine's. He's spoiling me right now!! And i'm loving it!

I haven't been happier than when i'm with him these days! I really think he's the best guy friend i've ever had. I love him so much, and the fact that things are working themselves out like this and i have peace about it all makes it so much more exciting!

I'M MOVING OUT!!!

I found a place and got the call that they're going to let me live there as of March 1st!! i'm so excited! It's the upper level of a house on Donlyn St. In fact it's right above friends of mine! It's such a blessing and answer to prayer. The landlord is great! They bought the place around 5 years ago and rennovated EVERYTHING. The upstairs and down have separate washer/dryer space and i have a full living room/dining room, kitchen, two bedrooms, one bathroom and a large covered deck with a yard! All of this for only $800/month including utilities AND satallite. WOOT WOOT!!!

I'm so excited! wow...i said that already! check out my facebook for pics!

Decision-making time!

So...I'm moving out!! i've decided it's time. I still want to buy a place, but i need my space right now. I want my own everything and i want to have the freedom of full independence that i don't feel at home! i'm so excited cuz i think i found a place and the timing works out perfectly. I want to move around the end of February, and there's a place opening up at that exact same time that i'm already familiar with, includes everything but laundry, and is actually quite cheap! I also already have a roommate which is going to cut costs even more! how awesome is that?!

I think God is definately in this because it's working out so well. I know i still have a "fight" on my hands, but it's a matter of giving that up to God and praying for him to work this out in his timing.

I had an awesome talk with my aunt today about my family and she helped me see some things i was never aware of. She is completely in support of me moving out too. I know i have a great opportunity to save at home, but i need something i can't get here...i can't explain it, i just know it! it's an itch i just have to scratch.

YAY!!! i made a decision!!

Emotional Amputation

I wish as humans we had the choice to feel. Today i'm hurting more than i ever thought humanly possible. My heart literally feels as though it has been ripped from my chest! All I want to do is end my life and stop this pain.

My best friend told me that often these times are attributed to God "doing" this to us, when in fact it could very well simply be Satan asking God "how far will you let me go with this person". It's a bit of a cliche to say that i understand a bit about how Job felt, but it's the truth. Satan pushed him and Job remained faithful. So my challenge is to stand up and say "bring it on!" I have never NEVER cried as hard as i have tonight...but then, i've never loved this hard before either.